~VivienGrimm

So life keeps moving on, even if you don't want to keep on living.

Life feels...pointless lately. I feel drained of everything. Even my saddness and my anger. Like nothing can create a real feeling or reaction in me.

When I'm tired, I overcompensate with hyperactivity. But I'm not happy. My brain runs in circles but I can't accomplish distinguished thought. My writing is pathetic, I can't turn out decents stories or essays for either English class. My artwork is even worse, lifeless, dull, and without energy. That on top of the fact I suck to begin with.

I have no motiviation to do anything, homework, go to work, go to school, talk to friends, read a book, draw, write, paint. I want to do these things, but nothing can make me move my ass. I have the desire to have the desire to do it, but I don't have it. Perhaps its because of the constant failures, or the inability to feel anymore.

I can't even remember how long ago it was that I last cried so hard I thought my eyes would dry up, or screamed so loud my vocal chords would rip apart from the joy or the madness.

I don't feel anything behind t he words that I say, that they are useless junk falling out of my mouth. That though the sounds of emotion and thought come out, there is nothing to back them up. The laughter is hollow and fake, the smiles are plastic, even the angry glares are simply a mask of the shallowness I feel inside.

I feel completely, utterly, totally left out on everything. Like everyone is giving me the same lie that I'm already wrapping my life in. That there's some big joke that I'm not in on, that when I walk away they make fun of me, even if they aren't. That all my friends are just faking it, for some sadistic reason, or that they're just too nice to say they can't stand my guts.

I don't even know who I fucking am, or what I believe. I know what I am not, what I don't believe, what I don't want to turn out like, what I don't like about myself, what I don't like about the world. But I don't know what I do like, I don't know what I do know, what I do believe, what I do want.

You can't build direction out of negatives.

And all I am is empty.